Dancing my cares away 💃 

Item no.4 of my July Challenges is to ‘Look at myself in mirrors and see the beauty in me’. I’ve been doing this to some extent but half heartedly.  

That all changed today!

‘I just can’t stop loving you’ had been playing in my head all morning. I took that as I sign to blast it out from my speaker.

I put on my black push up bra, which had been shoved to the back of my drawer. Left untouched due to the way it accentuates my curves. 

It leaves me open to be noticed. From people who think it’s their right to look, to judge, to leer, form an opinion. But mainly from me – and the stories I tell myself about how I think others are going to perceive me! As demonstrated above!

I have a habit of becoming the judge [of myself] before others can judge me. A safety net that isn’t actually helpful or safe!

Coupled with my black lace undies, I felt great! I had no plans apart from taking a walk around my local park. But no.10 in my challenges is to ‘Wear my Sunday Best’ so that is what I was gonna do. They’re not really my best. I don’t have any fancy underwear. *note to self – buy some fancy lingerie. And I was not just about to go out into the neighbourhood sans clothes. 

Standing in front of my mirrored wardrobe, 3 large mirrors that stretch almost from ceiling to floor. I started to dance. 

I succumbed to the music. 

Next up Gloria Gaynor – ‘I am what I am‘. A perfect theme tune to loving what is. Only I realised……….I wasn’t!

An audience of one and I was holding in my stomach as I danced. Only approving of myself from certain angles. Awareness stopped me in my tracks and I……

  1. breathed out
  2. Felt horrendous 
  3. Continued to dance

Forcing myself to look at my stomach, which tops my ‘things I don’t like about myself so moan about instead of changing‘ list. 

I was in flow now, dancing my cares away. The solo party continued as I got all ‘lip sync’ karaoke to ‘Earth Song’. 

By the time I reached the ‘What about us….’ ending I was thinking I was a rockstar, wanting to dance in classes, clubs and besides swimming pools – in my undies. I was totally in awe of Michael Jackson. And at peace with myself. My body. My dance moves. 

I was seriously cutting some shapes in my own special way! It totally reawakened my love of dancing – just because! 

I headed out, feeling happy and confident. Instead of comparing myself to the people I passed, I observed and saluted them instead. Not actually a physical salute – although that would have been funny!

I saluted: 

  • the gorgeous girl who had a thigh gap and flat stomach.  And promised myself to stop moaning that I don’t have a body like that! If it’s so important to me, I know what to do. I’m barely even doing it! Exercise…….when will I enjoy you?
  • the couple holding hands and embracing the day. Instead of solemnly longing for what they had, they made me feeling optimistic. I will persevere with dating apps and when I next really like a guy, I’m going to let him know – hello vulnerability!
  • the group of friends all set for a day at a festival. Instead of feeling lonely, I was happy to be on the outside looking in. Knowing that in a couple of weeks I’ll be doing the same with my friends. 

So as I sat typing this post on a park bench. Laughter, birds and music setting the tone. I was awash with gratitude to have left the Comparison Cashier at home. And to have found something else to aid me in my year of vulnerability. 

Long live letting go and dancing in front of my mirror in my best (for now) underwear and learning to love what is! 


Emma x

Instagram: @emmalouhalliday
Twitter: @boomerhalliday

p.s. if you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.

Going back to some roots 🌲 

I am a tree hugger!

As part of my July Challenges – point 5 was to ‘spend time in nature’. After suffering with ‘imposter syndrome‘ for most of the day, an email I’d received from ‘Margaret Rushing‘ sang to me. In it she challenges the reader to go out into nature and ‘hug a tree’. 

I really couldn’t be arsed venturing back out after I’d got home. But……I knew if I didn’t I’d be annoyed with myself for the rest of the evening. So off I went – in search of a tree.

Continue reading “Going back to some roots 🌲 “

It’s time to face the mirrors!

I am beautiful.

This is how I feel when I look in my bathroom mirror on most evenings. Just before I take the remains of my makeup off and for a moment or two after. I stop and take a moment to look deep into my eyes, give myself a genuine grin and appreciate myself!


A few steps into my bedroom and alas…………..I am no longer beautiful.

As unfortunately my bedroom mirror doesn’t tell me the same! Nor any other mirror.

I’m back to seeing myself as unattractive!

I curse my flaws, my features, my angles. Oh why isn’t there a camera filter that makes me look like I do in my bathroom mirror?

I am pretty there.

How can it be so that I’m only truly comfortable with how I look in this one mirror?

It is a belief I would like to turn around. Along with some other thoughts, habits and beliefs that have weakened my self-esteem over time.

There’s the unhealthy habit I have of creating scenarios in which people are judging me.

This happens more often that I’d like to admit. In fact, my thoughts on Saturday night actually inspired this post.

Getting ready to go out I was actually enjoying the pre-party for one in my bedroom. Indie-Rock music blasting out, a couple of beers and some serious….ly silly dance moves.

I had a few minor wardrobe wobbles when the first two outfits didn’t fit me. But was happy with the 3rd outfit and got a respectable slow nod and satisfactory smile from my housemate.

As soon as I walked out of the house, the mind chatter began:

  • My skirt is too short
  • My thighs are too big
  • I’m overdressed
  • I’m too old to be dressed like this

Then came the scenarios about how people would be judging me. Which led me to justify who I am and why I’m dressed like I am. It didn’t stop there as I started to question myself, and then the world! It’s fucking tiring.

Another thing that is kryptonite to my self-esteem is the way I don’t always admit what I actually want. To be fair to myself, for the most part I don’t even realise that I’m doing it.

For as long as I can remember I have confidently confirmed:

‘I’m terrible at making decisions’ 

And that was that. Nothing I could do about it. It’s part of me! Not for once thinking that it was a belief muscle I was building.

It’s only been recently that I have actually taken a closer look at my inability to make decisions. And it hit home. Smack bang wallop in the face!

  • I’m a people pleaser
  • I don’t like to be the odd one out
  • I shy away from confrontation
  • Plus the biggie – I don’t want other people to feel uncomfortable

So I take the easy way out using phrases such as:

I don’t mind’, Whatever you want’ and ‘I’m not sure’. Or I’m just silent and go along with things with a smile on my face.

I know this habit is past it’s sell-by date as it became too frequent that I was looking at others with an envious eye. And the message was, they were a reflection of me. A me I truly wanted to be! To be that confident to go for what I want regardless of others (or my made up) judgements.

All these reasons are why I’ve decided to spend July tearing down the protective walls that once served a purpose. It’s time to work on building new ones.

In my last post Life – who’s in charge? I revisited the reason why I started this blog and noted that I had got off track. Well I am back in the game and the theme for July is ‘self-esteem’. I am going to set myself challenges and give myself permission to go for things.


If you have any suggestions/ideas/tips on what can strengthen my self-esteem muscle please pass them my way.

One of my goals is get to the end of July and be able to look into any mirror and truly say.

I am beautiful.

Emma x

Instagram: @emmalouhalliday
Twitter: @boomerhalliday

p.s. If you’ve liked this or any of my other posts, I would be grateful if you could give them a share.