My Kryptonite!My Power! My Hair ðŸ’‡ðŸ¾

I am at my most vulnerable wearing a black cape, stood in front of a mirror with my hairdresser one step behind me, waiting for a worded response which will hopefully convey the opposite of what my face is saying.

I have that type of face that doesn't need to say anything. My face is like an etch-a-sketch! Emotions drawn right on there!

It's okay. My long suffering hairdresser knows me well enough not to feel offended. She is a hair magician and has the patience of a saint. She knows this is all about me.

And the vulnerable hair journey I go through every time I have a lapse of boldness and decide on a new hairstyle.

Every…….Single……..Time!

Growing up pre-internet in a white household in a predominantly white neighbourhood is the root of my issues. I didn't get my hair done properly until I was about nine years old which not only affected the growth of my hair but my pain threshold! Long before the days of YouTube where you can teach yourself anything, my mum used to stick a pink bow in my hair and send me on my way!

I didn't give my hairstyle a second thought until it was time to go to Middle School. I'd gone from being a frog in a pond to a tadpole in the ocean! Rather than feeling comfortable that I was no longer the only black person in my year, I felt more exposed. Misplaced!

In Primary School, no-one commented on my colour, my skin, my hair – I was just 'Emma'.

Not only did I get taunted for having dry skin and a 'picky' head but I placed myself on a comparison scale. The school playground became my YouTube and I saw what hair could look like. It wasn't something that was just a minor addition, it became the biggest part of me!

Hair relaxers, curly perms, hair pieces, extensions, braids, bleaching – I did the lot! I frequently changed my hair. Wearing each style with confidence! I was no longer a tadpole. For years I felt comfortable with my surroundings.

Then, work happened. Putting me in the spotlight. Making me once again feel exposed.

Unlike primary school, where I was just 'Emma', work life and adults strengthened the roots of my issues and added to my insecurities.

  • Each time I had to talk through my hairstyle – often explaining that it wasn't all my hair – to be greeted with confused stares or a scroll of further questions.
  • Each time someone grabbed my hair to have a feel without even asking, pulling at the roots in the process, which FYI fucking hurts!
  • Each time I was asked why don't you have an 'afro' or 'dreads' or hair like *insert black female celebrity*?

A part of my hair confidence would wither!

I'd get my hair done when I 'needed' to. When it was literally hanging by a thread. Keeping to a 'safe' style and for the first few weeks after having a new style I would wear it up to try and disguise it.

I know people don't mean to make me feel bad and it's nice that they're showing an interest. But each time I get my hair done I feel like I'm stepping onto a talent show. With every person turning into an expert on hair and becoming a judge! "This is nice but I liked the other style better" or "This is the best style you've had". I almost expect Len Goodman to pop up with a 'SEVEN!'.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive but, if I'm struggling to sleep the first few night of my new hairstyle due to fear of the comments I'm going to get, then I can't just continue to ignore my feelings. As I said before, my hair became the biggest part of me. So when my hair is getting critiqued then so am I!

New hairstyles and vulnerability go hand in hand.

This is the first time I've actually sat down to take into account all the vulnerability buttons that are being pushed when it comes to my hair. So many factors come into play and thanks to my new hairstyle I've had a therapeutic journey up to Leeds thinking about it.

*Apologies to the guy sat opposite me from London to Peterborough as I was typing away, trying to hold my tears back, whilst eating an egg sarnie!!

Finally sharing my feelings about my hair vulnerability on my blog has definitely helped me get some kind of closure (hair pun to those in the know).

So here you have my new hair and the story behind how I feel about it.

Emma x

Instagram: @emmalouhalliday

p.s. if you like this post or any other of my blog posts, please feel free to like, comment or share with friends.

Some of my hairstyles

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Author: yearofvulnerability

Living life with a happy head and a childlike nature. I'm about fun, health and happiness. I enjoy writing, personal development, travelling, trying new things and being a life long-learner. This blog follows my year of vulnerability.

9 thoughts on “My Kryptonite!My Power! My Hair ðŸ’‡ðŸ¾”

  1. Loving the faux locs! This narrative was so relatable lol. You’re not alone sister. P.S Do whichever hairstyle you feel like doing unapologetically. We’re blessed to be able to switch up our hair in a heart beat, i love it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 😘. Haha! Have you been in similar situations? So pleased you can relate. Yeah. I definitely need to get back to how courageous I was when I was younger. We definitely are blessed to be able to change styles drastically. X

      Like

  2. Emma, this is such a great post! I read part of it as I was leaving work, and actually said out loud, “she is so fucking cool!” I love how openly your posts convey your experiences in life. It gives me courage to do the same. Keep it up! Some of the people who comment on your hair are likely wishing that they had your courage and ability to try something new…and rock it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! You’ve just made me laugh out loud on a busy train reading your comment. Thank you 😊 That’s so nice to hear that my posts give you courage to open up. I often think “am I sharing too much?” so when I get feedback like this it answers my question. “No. I’m not”. Plus since opening up I am much happier in myself. Thank you for making me see people’s comments from a different perspective. I’d not thought of it that way 🙂 Which is another tick in the box for why opening up is great.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s awesome! I’m glad I made you laugh and see things in a different way. I’m so happy that I stumbled upon your blog! I think that we need to write/say what comes to us and it will be exactly what we need to express and what someone else needs to read/hear. The Universe is amazing that way! And we always find the people we need to support us on our journey. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sigh. I feel so sorry for women. I just run the clippers through my hair every three weeks or so and feel good about myself. The do looks great though. I bet now that you’ve written about it, the next change won’t be as hard.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I remember getting very defensive one night when someone criticised your hair. Do you remember ? I was really mad and you were like ‘kris it’s fine, don’t worry about it’ I just couldn’t believe how rude people could be! Love your blogs and love you and your hair! Sorry I missed you the other night. Hope your ok x

    Like

    1. Hey gorgeous. Aaah I’m racking my brain to try and remember and I think I do remember it. Although I don’t remember what was said from the person. I just remember feeling so much love and respect for you, protecting me 🙂
      Thanks for reading and commenting. Means a lot. Love you lots. Let’s hook up soon xx

      Like

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