Feeling all the feelings!

I let my feelings take control this morning and they wanted cheese on toast! Why is it that any time I eat when I am feeling annoyed, pissed off or angry that my food choice doesn’t taste nice? 

So this made me feel even more annoyed. I don’t want to be annoyed at cheese! That stale white bread however – that can go fuck itself!

Okay so now I was really letting my emotions loose, the book I’d just started reading yesterday had already made an impact! A good friend messaged me last week asking if I had heard of the book ‘Making Miracles in Forty Days’ as there was a challenge in it that she thought I may be up for doing, seeing as I was working on being vulnerable. 

I immediately bought the book, even though I’d put myself on a book ban! Okay I bought another book along with it, but now…….now I am on a book ban! In my defence I was being economical! 

The books arrived yesterday and as I had the day off work I got stuck right in. For now I’ll just share a brief overview of the book – as I feel I will be discussing this further in another post. 

For 40 days (in a row) you spend 10mins each day acknowledging {negative} events and feelings that you are the least grateful for. Starting each exercise with ‘Today I am grateful for…………..’ and then writing a list of 5-10 things, whatever comes up.

And write I did! Polite, conscious Emma started off the proceedings – typing with poise about feelings and events I was already aware of. It didn’t take too long to delve deeper and I was surprised with some of the details that appeared on the once blank page. 

I continued to type through the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. I only stopped when the alarm I’d set rang out loud after my 10 minutes were up! I could have written more but reminded myself that I had another 39 days for that. Triple checking and checking once more the email address for my other account, I hit send! Day 1 done!

It was a release, it was therapeutic, it was me letting go and being vulnerable – dusting away the cobwebs from some of the skeletons in my closet. 10mins clearly wasn’t enough as I appeared to open the negative trap door, my thoughts and feelings playing pinball in my head! I would have to wait until tomorrow morning or so I thought!

As soon as I got to my desk, I pushed my usual greeting aside and instead ‘was grateful’ for being messed about at the fertility clinic. My colleagues taking place of my morning email to myself. I told them that I’d just come from an appointment to become an egg donor where I was told I wasn’t suitable. 

It wasn’t that my eggs were too old – they were still good for a few months – until I turned 36, to be exact! I hadn’t as yet been through the vigorous health checks to be voided at that hurdle! Oh no – I got a big black mark against my name because I couldn’t provide my family’s medical history. For my mother, father and grandparents on both sides. 

I let it spill to my work mates that I was fuming that it took me to interrupt the member of staff to ask if it was important that I didn’t know my birth family from my dad’s side. As she instead chose to start with information on: 

  • my rights as a donor
  • how many children my donation could make
  • that they were crying out for donors, especially from my ethnicity 
  • and yadda yadda yadda! 

She didn’t need to answer my question as her face did it for her. 

I stood up, smiling politely and offering feedback that they should have stated that on the application, like they did with the age thing – 36…………to be exact!! And then I left, supressing my feelings, letting numbness and really bad cheese on toast take over.

Bless my colleagues as I didn’t stop there – now came the hidden emotions. ‘I am grateful for……….. (my negative emotions)

  • The fact that there is a shortage of donors.
  • That couples that are aching to be parents don’t even have the opportunity to choose whether they mind that a donor doesn’t know their family history.
  • That a lot of people who really want to help out may not have an inkling about their family history. 
  • That donor babies are genetically selected or as it is now coined ‘a designer baby’.
  • The fact that I was reminded again that I don’t know my birth father and that he didn’t want to know me.
  • I miss my {foster} parents. 

So I let my vulnerability out and I no longer felt angry, annoyed or upset.  I didn’t let the feelings fester into the crevices of my mind or give them a chance to set up camp in my body to maybe cause illness. It was just an event that happened not to go my way and I gave myself permission to feel all my feelings. 

And for that I am truly grateful.

Emma x


Instagram: @emmalouhalliday


Author: yearofvulnerability

Living life with a happy head and a childlike nature. I'm about fun, health and happiness. I enjoy writing, personal development, travelling, trying new things and being a life long-learner. This blog follows my year of vulnerability.

5 thoughts on “Feeling all the feelings!”

  1. Hello my witty clever friend, that was a lovely read. I am going through some horrid work changes at the mo’, I’m so angry and tearful and if I could [afford to] I would tell them to stick their job up their proverbials! Are you (the book) saying that I should spend 10 mins being grateful for the shite they’re pulling and being grateful for the horrid way they’re making me feel? I don’t geddit -_- please advise. And please keep doing what you’re doing, you’re brill!!! CC xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey lovely. Thanks for dropping by to read my blog and for your feedback, it’s really appreciated πŸ™‚

      Sorry to hear things aren’t good at work – it’s a shitter when work is the main cause of frustration as it takes up so much of our time.

      Yeah, in a nutshell that’s what you do – how about you give me your address and I’ll post you the book. I usually write and mark in books but haven’t in this one. I think it’s because I was meant to gift it. If there’s a chance it could help you it will be worthwhile. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Having survived utter hell (emotionally at least – I’m thankful don’t live in a war zone – so it’s the nearest I’ll hopefully ever get to it), I can safely say that living through all these negative experiences, coming to terms with them, being determined not to let them define me, or change my core beliefs, has left me as a much stronger, calmer and wiser person then I would ever have been without them. Saying I’m grateful for them, would probably be a step to far, but I certainly don’t resent them.

    Maybe it’s as simple as, I was tested, I passed with an A*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great insight Karen and I’m pleased that you’ve been able to get through the otherside and be stronger. The author isn’t grateful for some of the terrible things that have happened (and in some cases never will be) but for her feeling towards them – it’s definitely worth a read if you ever get a chance. Go you for the A* – it’s a grade that many people unfortunately don’t get to as they keep holding on to what they resent. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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