Me, Myself and my DNA!

‘Your AncestryDNA results are in!’

The email immediately caught my attention. I wasn’t expecting the results of my DNA test until January as I had been informed it would take 6-8 weeks to process. This delivery was quicker and more efficient than any package I’d received from Yodel!

My initial reaction. Excitement! Although I was acutely aware of the nervous feeling that was doing laps from the back of my mind. Somehow worried for what the results may bring up – not necessarily the ethnicity breakdown – but my reaction.

Continue reading “Me, Myself and my DNA!”

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A mountain, a blip and a lesson!

Walking up the mountain, I let out an exasperated sigh. I could lie to myself and put it down to feeling tired from the steep ascent. But I don’t. I admit, right now, not only am I alone, I feel angry at myself for being alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not wishing that my friends were here, as I don’t actually feel lonely. Instead, I’m wishing that I could be more vocal. To speak to people. To not appear stand offish. To stride with confidence without nagging thoughts berating me for not making more of an effort.

I stop walking, take a few deep breaths, laugh at the thought of someone telling you to breath when you’re stressed. ‘Erm, hello – if I wasn’t breathing I would be dead’. One of the most pointless pieces of advice that has probably never helped anyone to calm the fuck down. Digression over, I reach for my little bottle of magic, or Larch as it is more commonly known. A homeopathic remedy to help alleviate anxiety. I take a few drops, straight to the tongue, no messing, and I assess the situation.

I came on holiday on my own so that I could have a relaxing time – on my own terms. Go where I wanted, when I wanted and to only answer to myself. Up until this point, I’d been doing that and giving myself constant kudos for doing so. So, I’m not sure if it was the altitude or the nature of the tour group setting I’d put myself in, but right here, on top of the mountain, with the insane views surrounding me, I was annoyed at myself.

Putting myself in the hot seat, I asked:

  • Judge me: “Do you actually want to be with someone right now?”
  • Annoyed me: “No. I’m happy on my own. I don’t feel lonely I just feel I should be with someone”
  • Judge me: “Isn’t this the reason you chose to come on holiday alone, so you didn’t have to feel this way?”
  • Annoyed me: “Yes. That’s why I’m annoyed. I don’t want to feel this way. I have social anxiety and I don’t want to force myself into unnecessary conversation”
  • Judge me: “…..
  • Annoyed me: “Fuck what other people think about me and my actions. This is my holiday!
  • Judge me: “……
  • Annoyed me: “I have social anxiety and I’m okay with that. Wow. I feel great admitting this. Thanks Judge me”
  • Judge me: “…………De nada (you’re welcome – in Spanish)”

You may be picturing a confuddled looking me, chatting away to myself – a bit like Fight Club but atop a mountain – when in fact it was just an internal monologue that was pretty much over as soon as it started. I definitely should consider giving scriptwriting a go – that dialogue is gold…..(ahem)!

Feeling proud that I had just made peace with the fact that I have social anxiety, I continued my walk with a spring in my step. Mere moments later, I was in a conversation with some women from the tour group.

Hmmm – how about that? As soon as my head started focusing on what I wanted – ‘a good holiday’ and stopped worrying about ‘how other people perceived me’ or thinking about ‘how to start a conversation’, I felt at peace and the day began to flow.

Not only that but I stopped turning my head slightly, to appease the guy behind me on the bus. I was tired of having to feign interest in his joke….joke….joke and so stopped with the laugh-grunt (that noise you make with lips tightly pursed when something is not really funny but you want to be polite). I kept reminding myself, it was about focusing on what I wanted – ‘a good holiday’.

As the trip came to a close I was invited out to dinner by a couple of ladies from the bus who were also traveling solo. I checked in with myself and indeed I did want to join them. And so I did!

That was yesterday and by choice I spent all today on my own and it too has been wonderful. I am going to write a summary of my holiday when I return to London but I just wanted to share my mountain blip with you.

Emma x

Instagram: @emmalouhalliday 

If you like this post or any other of my blog posts, please feel free to like, comment or share with friends.

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Taking my writing outside of this blog!

I have been asked to be a contributing author to a new online magazine, with a print version set to launch in 2018!

Because of this blog! Way to go ‘Year of Vulnerability’

Excitement. Happy dance………..ANXIETY!

Continue reading “Taking my writing outside of this blog!”

Entertaining the Grump!

Working. Socialising. Swiping. Late nights. Early mornings. Overthinking. Saying yes.

Juggle. Juggle. Juggle.

Mentally adding to my to-do list. Fretting over recent actions. Staring at an empty screen. Mindlessly scrolling.

Drop. Drop…………..DROP.

Continue reading “Entertaining the Grump!”

Delving deeper into me!

Earlier this year I had an appointment at a fertility clinic as I wanted to register as an egg donor. Well, that idea didn’t quite come to fruition and I took to this blog to rant – Feeling all the feelings! (If you’re short of time, to cut a long story short, I was unable to donate my eggs as I couldn’t provide my family history from my father’s side).

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Too many quotes – too little passion!

I’m not sure if I am suffering from a case of writer’s block, laziness or the aftermath of a long boozy weekend in my home city, Leeds – Yorkshire, Yorkshire!! (apologies for the chant, us proud Leeds folk will often slip into it without thinking!) followed by another boozy weekend on an all day Hen Party but I haven’t even attempted to write since my last blog post, which was over a week ago.

I haven’t done any of my writing exercises from a book named ‘The Five Minute Writer’ – five minutes! I can find five minutes in my day but I’ve chosen not to. Nor have I started writing a short story for a local competition – the deadline is 31st October, and I haven’t even started it! And don’t get me started on writing prep for NaNoWriMo.

Continue reading “Too many quotes – too little passion!”